UVA To Give Students “5 Mental Health Days In A Row” Next Spring Semester

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA: “Oh, so it’s gonna be like Spring Break? Go figure,” said a bitter fourth year who has been working nonstop since February.

The University truly outdid itself this time, setting up its students and faculty alike to have a spring semester that was just a bit more taxing than it needed to be.

Students may have noticed that some of their classes were canceled on certain days. “The breaks were pretty nice,” said one third year student. “It gave me plenty of time to do the homework that was assigned to make up for lost class.”

“We had all these students complaining to us that they had to do homework on their days off,” said UVA’s Dean of Students who explicitly asked to remain nameless. “Can you imagine that! Why would you think that something called a ‘Break Day’ would be a day without homework?”

The interview abruptly ended after our WUVA interviewer informed the dean that students are typically not given homework during comparable breaks such as Thanksgiving recess.

As next year’s academic calendar is taking shape, the University has decided to reevaluate the less than perfect Break Day plan.

A statement from President Ryan’s office declares that, “presuming public health standards allow, we have decided to group all break days to one week in March. We will even add a fifth break day, giving the entire University an unprecedented full week off in the middle of March.”

In a transparent attempt to add a new term to the UVA lexicon and retain distance from any images of debauchery or other good times to be had, the school refuses to refer to this week as “spring break” or even by its already pretentious title, “spring recess.”

“Believe me when I tell you that coming up with the new name was tough,” President Jim Ryan told WUVA. “We had a lot of late night meetings, organized debates, casual get togethers, and even a footrace just to narrow down the potential list.”

President Ryan, with a twinkle in his eyes, was happy to announce that “we finally settled on what I think is the perfect name for a week off of school during springtime: flourishing period.”

If you need me next flourishing period, I’ll be on a beach… flourishing. (President Ryan, you are invited.)


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