UVA Maintains Position On Cutting Edge of 2007 Technology by Switching to Microsoft

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA- In an attempt to stay on the cutting edge of innovative technology, but only if you think it’s still 2007, UVA has issued an announcement this afternoon stating the entire university will switch from the Google system to Microsoft Office365. Following the completion of the Spring 2022 semester, all google emails, files, and calendars will be transferred to Office365 and subsequently deleted.

“We were considering switching to AOL instead,” a university official commented, “but ultimately Microsoft Office365 gave us the better deal.” When asked to name the current president, they told our reporters to stop asking them trick questions as everyone knows it’s George W. Bush, and then left to take a call on their BlackBerry.

This move has been met with widespread confusion and disdain from the student body, most of whom grew up predominantly using Google Drive. “The idea of having to complete group projects in Microsoft OneDrive instead of Google Docs has made me never want to collaborate with another human being again,” one student remarked. “I think I have to drop out and become a monk now.”

If classes really will be on Microsoft Teams instead of Collab, the student body is careening into a potential academic dark age, the likes of which haven’t been seen since everyone redownloaded YikYak instead of doing their homework earlier this fall.

Moving to Microsoft Office 365 certainly honors the time-honored UVA tradition of making everyone follow convoluted rules in the spirit of being unique, special, and not like other universities. “No, I have not been paid off by Bill Gates,” University of Virginia President James E. Ryan responded via Gmail. “Microsoft just had features Google doesn’t that are more in line with our values, namely making everyone’s lives harder for reasons only we understand.”


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