CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA: At least when you test positive all you get is a phone call.
At the start of this semester UVA ramped up its prevalence testing system, requiring every student in Charlottesville to report for testing once a week. The results of the test, which requires the student to deposit several milliliters of saliva into the opening of a vial that somehow becomes smaller every week, become available within 72 hours and usually even before then.
In the days following, the inbox and phone of a UVA student who has tested negative for COVID-19 becomes a receptacle for a seemingly endless stream of reminders.
“It’s like every time I open my computer, I get another email telling me to open some portal I’ve never heard of just to see a notification for something that I already know,” said second-year student Alice Wallace. “And some of them honestly seem fake. Like… MyChart? What does that even mean?”
Still, representatives of Student Health and Wellness continue to worry that students are not seeing their test results nearly enough according to a statement that was released via three separate emails and a text message.
The statement concludes with the University’s recommitment to reminders. Evidently, starting on April 19th, UVA will enforce a strict notification policy that “matches the gravity of receiving a negative test result.”
To that end, Health and Wellness is determined to contact students in every way possible just to make sure they know that they tested negative. Infamous for never checking their emails, UVA students will be grateful to know that they will not be able to look at a screen without being informed of their negative COVID status.
While UVA and its social media department are still working out the logistics, plans are being made to set up a Twitter account that will automatically post a public tweet wherein the student’s Twitter is tagged along with an encouraging message coupled with the negative result.
Students who do not have social media will receive more archaic forms of notification based on where they live and, in many cases, how much livestock they own. WUVA’s investigative team can confirm that there have been talks of using carrier pigeons as a cheeky alternative to Twitter.
“Since this whole prevalence testing thing is probably almost done, we figured we’ll go all out for these last few weeks,” said a spokesperson for Health and Wellness off the record. “All our funding has got to go somewhere!”
Students who test positive will not be affected by this change. According to the statement, “they have enough on their plates.”