JIM RYAN: “We had no idea that giving greek life permission to do something we knew would spread COVID would lead to COVID numbers going up.”


CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA- In a bizarre lack of object permanence for a 200 year-old, multibillion-dollar institution, the University of Virginia has announced an “unusually large” increase in positive COVID cases this week.  

“We’re narrowing the cause of the spike down,” one official remarked. “Maybe some students didn’t double mask on the way to in-person class, or were prohibited from proper social distancing due to recent snow, or maybe it’s because we gave Greek Life permission to do in-person rush against all common sense and CDC protocols, unleashing hundreds of people to gather in-person on and off-grounds last week. There’s just no way to know what it could be.”

At the beginning of the semester, the University controversially announced that IFC fraternity rush would be allowed to run in person, in addition to both IFC and ISC Bid Days, with the caveat that they observe strict masking and social distancing procedures, as well as limiting gatherings to a maximum of 6 people, something the University was confident Rugby Road would observe, for reasons I do not fully understand. 

Were these restrictions observed? “There’s no way to know if they were or weren’t,” the University administration said in their official statement. “The entire student body needs to step up, whether you’re getting hammered in a field with your 120 closest friends rushing Sigma Alpha Tau Beta, or like, going to the library.” 

Following a record high 121 new cases on February 16th, an alarming spike that is predicted to increase, the University of Virginia has announced new COVID restrictions prohibiting all in-person gatherings on and off grounds. Expect the cop cars outside of illegal frat parties watching them but doing nothing about it to maybe increase in number, along with positive COVID cases and fraternity alumni donations. 


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