COVID UPDATE: Over half of saliva samples collected from prevalence testing are being used to supplement water supply of first-year residence halls

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA- It’s no coincidence that sinks and showers in first-year dorms suddenly began flowing better than ever just as UVA ramped up its prevalence testing capacity.

In addition to adhering to restrictions that wholly depend on whether or not frats want to party that particular week, the University of Virginia introduced a new prevalence testing program wherein on Grounds students are required to submit a weekly saliva sample.

Evidently, after the saliva is tested for COVID-19, the negative samples are “either disposed of or sent to an in-house chemical treatment plant,” according to an official statement issued by UVA Housing and Residence Life.

This water preservation system, which has been compared by the nation’s top scientists to that of a spacecraft, is a symptom of a larger problem that has to do with UVA’s allocating of resources to fight the spread of COVID-19.

“Look, these are unprecedented times,” said President Jim Ryan in a phone interview with WUVA. “The way we see it is that now the cost of housing can stay the same and we can afford to put more hand sanitizing stations in frat houses. Problem solved. That’s what you all want us to do, right? Solve problems?”

President Ryan proceeded to hang up the phone.

You may have noticed that many of your Zoom classmates have recently relocated from their cramped dorms to their spacious homes in Northern Virginia where the water has not yet been in someone else’s mouth.

“All first-year residents should continue to use their facilities as normal. Rest assured that the pituitary liquid has been treated sufficiently and is safe for reuse,” the statement continues.

“Ewwwwww,” said a first-year who had just finished taking a shower. Ew, indeed.


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