UVA Return To Grounds Email Translator

The University has sent out a lot of different emails in accordance with the coronavirus pandemic and how classes will continue. We here at WUVA Comedy understand that these emails may be incredibly difficult to understand. That’s why we have graciously translated the president’s most recent email to make the message much clearer:

Earlier this month, we delayed the opening of undergraduate residence halls and the start of in-person undergraduate classes by two weeks. We did that to see how much other universities messed up, and oh man it’s pretty bad. Partying at UNC, starving kids at NYU, it’s almost as if opening schools in the middle of a pandemic is a terrible idea!

Today, we write to let you know that even though we really should not begin in-person classes, we are moving forward as planned. We know very few of you are actually delighted to hear this news, but most of you will be disappointed. In fact, a lot of you are genuinely angry. But please, let us give you a mediocre explanation.

To begin, we believe the effort is worth it. We think it’s so important for students to come back that we’re kicking every student out of the IRC. We truly care about our students, which is why you only have 24 hours to figure out where you want to live. Good luck!

Second, conditions locally and in Virginia have improved in terms of the prevalence of the virus, but that could change in the next couple of weeks as students go back to school.

Third, we had a very encouraging experience over the summer, when students went to Midsummers and got infected. Our students were extremely irresponsible, but we’ll just pretend that didn’t happen.

Fourth, we’ve learned from what has happened at other schools, and it’s awful. Even though we have seen how terrible other schools are handling the pandemic, we at the University of Virginia are simply built different. We love to pretend we’re better than everyone else, when in fact we are just like any other pretentious university.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, we really want our students to give us money. We want your money so bad, we even raised your housing tuition! You’re welcome. 

Please don’t mess this up for us. We know that this will be a challenge for the entire UVA community and it will negatively impact Charlottesville as a whole, but just know that we really care about you(r money). Let’s meet this moment, and this extraordinary challenge that we can avoid, together.


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