UVA Announces Next Tuesday Will Be An “Unwellness Day” Designed Specifically To Overwork Students

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA- Did you have a nice day Tuesday off this week? Well, next Tuesday will probably make you cry.

As many of you may know, in lieu of an actual spring break this semester, UVA has designated a handful of days this semester as “break days.”

To make up this lost time, the University is instituting a new policy where each wellness day is coupled with a day dedicated to giving students as much work as possible.

Over this 24-hour period, every student will be required to “demonstrate the work ethic that landed you at UVA in the first place,” reads a patronizing statement from the University. The statement goes on, framing next Tuesday as what will be “the most productive day in the history of UVA.”

“If you have time to eat or sleep, you have time to write a paper or take a test,” Dean of Students Allen Groves told WUVA. “And, for the record, I’m against calling it an unwellness day. You can put that in your silly little article.”

Students who are deemed “underworked” by UVA’s new and controversial Productivity Task Force will be automatically enrolled in a one-day course where they are assigned clerical work and other miscellaneous administrative tasks.

“We’re actually planning on finishing the Alderman construction next Tuesday too,” said President Jim Ryan in yet another update video. “Allen had this great idea to get students who are taking 12 credits to help with the project.” Ryan went on to admit that one time in college, after pulling an all-nighter, he accidentally set his roommate’s bed on fire.

Most professors have actually rallied against the policy in droves, with many signing a Change.org petition that has already amassed over 500 signatures.

“I was planning on canceling next week’s midterm and giving them a paper instead, but I guess rules are rules,” said one professor on how he is doing his part to further UVA’s agenda.

Furthermore, a growing number of students are realizing that they have spent what are supposed to be wellness days feeling pretty darn unwell.

“I literally already have a midterm on Thursday. It’s not like I can afford to drop everything and relax for a whole day. Who do you think I am? The President?” said one student, frantically studying for her politics midterm.

Vague criticisms of the executive branch notwithstanding, this upcoming unwellness day will serve as a stern reminder from the University that college is meant to be about learning and getting things done, not drinking and partying. Good thing frats have already finished rush.



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