Return To Grounds Email Translator- Spring 2021 Edition

Another semester, another loooooooong UVA email to decipher. Luckily, our UVA email translators here at WUVA Comedy are ready and standing by to help you understand the complex minutiae that make up a typical Return To Grounds plan.

We write to inform you that UVA will proceed with our plan to resume “in person” (like 95% online, but we get to cash that first year dorm check) instruction as planned. Are the conditions worse and require more compliance than last semester? Yes. Are we doing the exact same thing and hoping you won’t remember how that went? Also yes! Here’s a brief outline of our plan for mitigating COVID during our in-person semester:

  • Lowering the gathering limit, something that everyone complied with when we did this last semester.
  • Sending angry emails about student gatherings and calling it a day.
  • Killing two birds with one stone and quarantining exposed students in a kayak on the Rivanna or the James.
  • Cutting costs by having CAPS staff doing sessions in the garage during prevalence testing.

Here are a few key reasons behind this decision:

  • After completing a full semester, evidence suggests that you guys are only infecting each other, so good luck with that!
  • Clearly, democracy is at stake or something, and keeping you here stops any of you guys from getting too many ideas and couping your local government.
  • While it was challenging, the community this community has demonstrated that we are capable of complying with measures that limit the spread. As long as you don’t count bars being packed every weekend fall semester.
  • Making you all spit into a tube  every 5-7 business days while avoiding eye contact with 60 of your peers is like, really funny.
  • We heard college dependents might be getting stimulus checks and frankly, we want you to spend that shmoney here.


The stakes are higher this semester. The margin of error is lower. Either way, we still really want your money, so you’re coming back! We got this hoos, but if it turns out that we don’t and the plague gets worse because of this decision, we will end up 3rd year defending NCAA Basketball champions. Just something to consider.


jim “not the secretary of education” ryan


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