In the conclusion of his most recent update video regarding the lifting of COVID restrictions, President Jim Ryan bizarrely went out of his way to admit unprompted that he once accidentally stole the popsicle of a young boy during one of his many marathons. The metaphor was fairly well done as far as marathon-based metaphors go, I guess, but it still begs the question: whose popsicle did Jim Ryan take by mistake? Why did he keep running when the theft was revealed to him? WUVA managed to track down Billy Moore, now a first-year at UVA, and secure an exclusive interview with the original owner of President Ryan’s felonious frozen treat.
Why were you at the marathon that fateful day?
I was there to watch my dad. It was a few years ago; he used to be really into all that marathon stuff. I guess it’s not genetic. It was a super hot day, and there was an ice cream truck, so I asked my mom to get me one.
And what kind of popsicle was it exactly?
One of those Spongebob popsicles where the eyes are gumballs.
Ah, a man of fine tastes I see.
Haha… yeah. I was really looking forward to eating it, but I wanted to hold it out and look at the little Spongebob face for a second, and because the cruelties of life truly never do cease, some guy snatched it right out of my hand and ran away.
So, you’re at this marathon, it’s a hot day, and your popsicle has just been taken right from your hands. What did you do?
I said “Hey, that guy took my popsicle!” because, what else can you do, y’know? It’s not like I was gonna run after him. Say what you will about the guy, but he definitely knows how to scarf down an entire popsicle while running a marathon.
Did you know that the man who stole your popsicle was Jim Ryan?
I actually had no idea until he put out that video. I’ve been telling this story to friends and family for years, so I had a few people send it to me on Twitter saying stuff like “hey, didn’t something like this happen to you.” It was funny… and then I remembered his face.
So, Billy, do you hate President Ryan?
Hate? Nah, I don’t hate the guy. I guess he needed it more than I did. Whenever I eat something on Grounds, now though, I do instinctually attempt to bite anyone who gets too close to defend my food, but I think that gives me a competitive advantage in the culture here.
Did you ever expect that the man who stole your popsicle would share your story in a video where he was supposed to be apologizing for putting an entire community at risk of catching a deadly virus?
Can you elaborate?
Anyone can steal a popsicle from a child – it’s not that hard, that’s the whole point. But not just anyone would keep running after hearing me say “hey, that’s mine.” If he didn’t turn around then, he’s not gonna turn around now.
Is there anything else you want to say to President Ryan?
I hope you choked on those gumballs and got splinters on your tongue from that popsicle stick. May Sponegbob rot in your stomach for all eternity along with the weight of what you’ve done.