In a press release issued on March 26th, Ryan Fessler, Ph.D., Director of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), reported a significant drop in the average ambient pH of the air after everyone in the country seemed to independently decide that quarantine was the best time to start making a bunch of sourdough.
“We need Americans to understand the consequences of their actions,” Fessler warned. “While sourdough bread may be a yummy treat to make while stuck inside in these uncertain times, good sliced thick with butter and some nice flaky salt, those beautiful yeast farts are potentially harmful. When those bread bubbles are popped that sour flavor is let out into the air, starkly increasing the likelihood of acid rain and continuing to degrade the environment. Y’all want this much blood on your floured hands?”
NOAA believes that every American seemed to, independently yet somehow all at the same time, look in their pantry, find some flour, and think ‘hey, I finally have some time to make sourdough starter,’ without thinking about the degradation to forest and rivers their actions would directly cause.
“We understand the desire to alleviate boredom, but frankly we are confused by why everyone seemed to do this at the same time.”
CVS and Walgreens also reported a shortage of Tums in their stores as customers flocked to fix their acid reflux, understood now to have been caused by similar sourdough-related reasons.