BREAKING: Student Council discovers Cavalier Daily-owned weapons of mass destruction, announces invasion

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA – On Thursday, UVA’s Student Council announced the discovery of weapons of mass destruction owned and operated by the Cavalier Daily. As a result, StudCo swiftly made plans to invade the student-run newspaper.

“For a long time, Student Council and the Cavalier Daily have attempted to remain peaceful despite high tensions between the two organizations, but this crosses a line,” said Student Council President Ellie Brassachio. “At this point in time, a pre-emptive invasion remains Student Council’s only option for self-defense.” 

When asked if the invasion had anything to do with the recent op-ed published by the Cavalier Daily criticizing Student Council, President Ellie Brassachio responded negatively. “No, why would you think that? This is purely about the very real missiles that 100% exist.”

The controversial move will leave hundreds of Student Council allied forces, like those in Jefferson Society and Club Ultimate Frisbee, defenseless from attacks by future Cavalier Daily op-eds.


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