AFC to host “Scrawny Guys Night” for meek students with low self-esteem

Continuing their attempts to cater to a more diverse range of clients with events like “Ladies Night in the Weight Room,” the Aquatic and Fitness Center (AFC) recently announced that on Thursday, February 4, the weight room will be open from 6:30–8:00 p.m. to all really skinny, frail, and awkward students at the event “Scrawny Guys Night.” The description for the event on Facebook reads “Anybody shorter than 6 feet tall, glasses wearers and people who don’t own Adidas sweatpants are welcome for a night of instruction and private use of all weights under 45 pounds!”


“We see a lot of meatheads in the weight room all the time,” a representative for the AFC said in an email statement. “Your jocks, your chaches, your lunks, you know. We just wanted to make the gym more accessible for our many milquetoast patrons…They shouldn’t be afraid to use the weight room just because their flawed genes and lack of self-confidence prevent them from getting absolutely swole.”


According to the Facebook event, the evening will also feature classes on how to stay out of the way of serious gym rats who actually know how to use the equipment; tutorials to look like you know what you’re doing, even though you’re a puny shrimp; and all mirrors will be covered so the anemic students won’t have to look at their feeble, sickly bodies during their pathetic “work-outs.” 


3rd year pipsqueak Mike Klemp said of the event: “Usually when go to the gym I take one look in the weight room and get scared off.  You have all these beefy guys who are benching 200 pounds, their veins popping out of their necks and everything. Me and my friends are all pretty small and gangly. It’ll be nice to curl my five-pound weights and not get laughed at.” Klemp is just one of the University’s countless small-fries, half-pints and wimps who can take advantage of Thursday’s event.


Of course, the AFC’s move is not without its detractors. In a comment on the Facebook event, strapping 2nd year student Duff Hollins said “This is ridiculus [sic]. The fact that we are being denied use of the weight room for 90 minutes on a week night is on par with some of the worst atrocities of human history.” And many share his sentiments. At the time of the writing of this article, the comment had received eight “likes,” three “hearts,” two “wow” reacts and one “ha-ha” react, as compared to two “angry” reacts and one “crying face” emoji.


Nobody who is shredded, ripped, cut or otherwise built will be allowed into the weight room on Thursday. It remains to be seen if the AFC will continue the trend of “Ladies Night” and “Scrawny Guys Night” by holding special events for extremely sweaty people, people who stink or people who make really awkward faces while lifting weights. Regardless, the move marks an important step in the University’s recently-announced plan for increased diversity and inclusion, and President Jim Ryan’s support for universal access to massive gains.


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